Me, myself and I: a journey through life in lockdown.

 “On days that you feel like the world is against you, you just have to push back harder… Life has a funny way of working things out…” 

Someone special had penned me these words in a card shortly after Christmastime, when I really did think the world was against me. Little did I know what life would bring in the months that followed. In fact, looking back on that time, those problems seem a million miles away from the world we are currently living in today.

It often seems selfish to be thinking of ourselves in times like these. I look at my own life; I live in the beautiful countryside, with a healthy, happy family, and am lucky to still be working and seeing faces each day. Yet still, despite all these privileges that we are so lucky to have, it can sometimes still feel like the world is against us- and that’s ok, that’s human. We all deal with things differently, no matter how big or small our problems, and that is perfectly normal; especially when we are in a pandemic, when life has been completely flipped upside down, when we barely even know what day of the week it is!

As the sun glares through the curtains of my little room in the mornings, I often wake up bursting with energy, with the feeling that I want to achieve something, to better myself, to make the most of this time I have with myself. And these days are great; they are filled with new opportunities to make me feel fantastic and to make lockdown seem not completely awful. Yet other mornings, I waken, feeling like the only solution is to lie in bed with a book and a cup of tea all day, tossing with the idea of maybe going for a walk, but eventually convincing myself that staying in bed is a better option (which in hindsight is never the case). And it always seems easier to be hard on yourself rather than forgiving yourself for having these ‘off’ days. Yet, over the last number of weeks, I have accepted that it is in fact perfectly normal to have chops and changes in my moods and attitudes during lockdown- and it is a perspective that I hope to keep with me even after lockdown. These ‘off’ days are normal, they are ok, and they don’t last forever.

And I know that they don’t last forever, because I look at the last eight weeks, and the bad days I’ve had, that are completely outnumbered by the good days, the great days! Like the evenings I have spent laughing with my sister over absolutely nothing, or the days I have spent bonding with my dad as we chopped logs for the winter, and treated ourselves to a cheap can of beer after, or even the sheer appreciation of hearing my granny’s voice over the phone, picturing our first cup of tea together once the lockdown is lifted. It really is the small things that keep us going during these crazy times. I understand that not everybody is on the same boat, but as that special card I mentioned stated, no matter what storm you are facing, you have to push back harder.

I feel like I have really learned a lot about myself during lockdown. I like poetry, I am a good runner, I like oat milk in my coffee; a compilation of tiny elements about myself that I had never discovered before. It has been this time I’ve had with myself that has really got me thinking about things- about what ‘normal’ will be like in the future, about what my own future will look like. But I suppose, what I have learned the most, is that it really is ok to be a little selfish during these uncertain times. We are living in a world that is millions of miles away from our usual comforts, and it is perfectly normal to be feeling uneasy or worried about things, even if they do seem small.

Almost five months after that card was sent, I feel like the words within it resonate with me now more than ever. These are uncertain times we live in, but it is important to look after one another and look after ourselves, mentally and physically.

Not everything is a part of your plan, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t part of the plan. Stay in, stay safe, and save lives.