Imposter Syndrome (noun):
“They are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think—and that soon enough, people will discover the truth about them.” (Psychology Today)
I have this ‘persistent inability’ of pure mental self-destruction that I managed to convince myself I was not good enough to apply for a dream placement despite doing the difficult contacting part.
Before you ask,
Why?
How could you?
I will explain, it may not make sense, but please try to put yourself in the shoes of someone who would be too nervous to ask for water in the middle of the desert.
Networking.
Nervously searching for any charisma I owned as I walked into the event. I had never experienced anything like this before. It was new. Things that are new are good, I try and convince myself.
It was hectic. Sitting in that hall on my own among strangers listening to experiences and ideas I longed to have happen to myself, yet I had no idea how to kick start this effect.
Looking back, I had no idea what I was doing, I didn’t get to speak to anyone apart from those that had been in my shoes once before. The reassurance they gave me helped but all I could think about was what I had overheard an hour earlier.
We’re looking for….
A creative experience…
Let’s just see how it goes…
I have never been so glad to eavesdrop, like a hallway had lit up with a neon ‘this way’ sign. Although, the route was burred.
Getting in contact with my potential dream placement was not a blessing in disguise, it was anxiety wearing a cloak, one I did not follow through on.
Do I regret it?
Yes.
Do I wish I had done things different?
Yes.
However, I am not frozen in time. I know what I want to do now (vaguely) which is to be a lot more confident in myself than before. I have a slight understanding on my potential career after University, I feel confident in myself that I could make what I desire the reality.
Summer 2023.
The summer of 2023 was a long one to leave it short. Working fifty-hour weeks in my main job had its highs and lows.
Interviews.
Promotion.
More responsibility.
Organisation.
Events.
The hustle and bustle of my day job caught up with me, and I entirely disregarded applying for my ‘dream placement’ that remained exactly that. A dream. Nothing came to fruition of my own accord; I made the jump to contact those involved and once it was time to bite the bullet and apply… I cowardly backed down.
However, not all experience was lost, I realised that I thrived in busy environments. The times where you can’t think properly and must do, that is what I love. The chaos of it all. How good it feels when a big event pays off and you’re part of the cog that helps churn it.
In the end I gained a placement for the class, although something was to be learned and some experience had been gained, throughout this gruelling mental process of believing in my abilities to put myself out of my comfort zone.
Gibb’s Reflective Model.
My journey finding a placement has been nothing but incredibly difficult. However, using Gibbs reflective model it can be shown that within difficulty there is useful experiences in learning how to be better prepared in the future.
The process of understanding my experience in both, hunting for a placement over the summer, as well as reflecting on the mistakes I have made throughout this process is important. “This model is a good way to work through an experience. This can be either a stand-alone experience or a situation you go through frequently”. (Gibb’s Reflective Cycle, The University of Edinburgh), I chose Gibb’s cycle because of its flexibility of either being a singular or repeated scenario, as well as its deep analysis of personal feelings throughout the reflection of the experience. By using the Gibbs’ Reflective Cycle to reflect and analyse my actions I have described, specifically missing out on my ‘dream placement’ and how I can change this in the future.
What happened…. How do I feel?
I previously explained what happened between my ‘dream placement’ and I. It was entirely my doing that it fell through, and I kick myself every day for it. I would speak to my older co-workers about the experience, yet every time they urged me to apply I would become defensive and repeat,
I’m just too busy right now.
I will admit now, I could’ve always made time for this opportunity, if it were really my ‘dream placement’ I should’ve grasped it with both hands and at least applied. I still feel as though its due my lacking confidence and belief in myself, which is something I desperately need to let go of, I know now that it is weighing me down.
At the beginning, gaining contact was the most thrilling experience ever. I felt as though my odd tactics of eavesdropping paid off. I wanted to tell anyone and everyone about this opportunity that I could possibly achieve if I just took the next step. Although as time ticked on I felt this weight on my shoulders. This constant berating of negative thoughts I just couldn’t shake. A fear of rejection was the most prevalent. I couldn’t let it go.
Now, I mostly feel guilty. I hope they found someone for the placement I wish it went differently but it was my own fault I never followed through and took that risk. My friends and family told me,
What will be will be.
I feel as though that saying is an excuse for people who just didn’t try, it didn’t become anything because I made it that way, I never let myself on paper fall into the hands of anyone else to judge. Maybe that’s a control issue on my part, maybe I had a fear that they wouldn’t think I was good enough either and that I didn’t want to find out what they thought of me.
Analysis… making sense of it.
What made things fall through. As I stated before, it was me. I didn’t follow through on what could’ve been. It was an amalgamation of things. Work and saving up money for the university year, I was working non-stop all summer to the point where I didn’t think I could mentally move myself out of my job to complete work experience at that given time. I was so deep in the earning mindset that I felt as though the experience I would’ve gained from the placement would’ve been more of a hinderance in my earnings than a valuable experience in the arts industry.
Although, I missed out on this opportunity, there are positives I am still completing a placement where I am gaining valuable skills in understanding the professionalism of post-graduate work and majorly improving my IT skills, which before would have been a weakness of mine. My current placement has made me realise I don’t enjoy office life and would prefer a career surrounding a more ‘hands-on’ approach. The knowledge I’ve gained so far through my application and placement experience has shown me valuable career preferences that before I wouldn’t have known. I enjoy working with people face to face rather than behind a screen and will consider this attribute when figuring out my career in the future.
Conclusions
Overall, throughout my application process I’ve realised if I really want something I must actively go for it. I feel as though pushing my negative emotions to the side is another important lesson I have learned. Despite, feeling nervous and thinking I’m ‘faking it’. I know now that everyone deals with internalised doubting of their abilities and the best way to move on, and grow is to recognise they exist but to not let them consume you. In hindsight, I wish I didn’t let my thoughts take over my application process and got to take the risk of applying for something that I traditionally thought would be out of my reach.
Plan of Action
If I were to start over with the knowledge I have now, I would take that risk. I would at least send in my application form to be considered. I would rather know that I was underqualified specifically than constantly be questioning the ‘what ifs?’. It truly is better to try and fail than not try at all and due to my lack of effort in following through I now will never know if I could’ve got it and will never see what I needed to do to improve. Putting yourself out there is uncomfortable but being uncomfortable is the best way to adapt and improve your skills and the key to becoming more confident. I wish I had proved my inner-fears wrong and shown myself what I could really be capable of.
Bibliography
Imposter syndrome definition, Psychology Today
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/imposter-syndrome]
Gibb’s Reflective Cycle, The University of Edinburgh
[https://www.ed.ac.uk/reflection/reflectors-toolkit/reflecting-on-experience/gibbs-reflective-cycle]
Image links
“Domain Renewal Instructions”
[https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/914862411178341/]
“Gibb’s Reflective Cycle”
[https://www.ed.ac.uk/reflection/reflectors-toolkit/reflecting-on-experience/gibbs-reflective-cycle]
“This Way’ LED Sign